Don't Tell 25 Year Old Me I Stayed At A Holiday Inn Resort in Thailand

Fly to Geneva, drive to Milan, stopover in Doha, Qatar (the only airport that carries its own fragrance, 'Doha, The Departure'), another long haul flight to Bangkok, an 8 hour wait, then the Asian flight carrier equivalent of EasyJet to Phuket, a taxi price negotiation ending in a ten passenger mini bus trip to the port, a ferry to Koh Phi Phi, a long tail boat to Laem Tong Beach.... AND THEN.... serenity. The serenity of a resort! The peace of mind of a valet, a welcome drink and no haggling; not to mention a flushable toilet. 25 year old me would be appalled by my lack of stamina, that I did not find a base price, bare bones local sea gypsy run establishment full of characters. But my ankles hurt and my back... and I'm only here for two weeks and I want to go to bed. 25 year old me says 'Go out! Drink a beer and rally!!!' But I say, this room has cable TV, I think I might watch The Dog Whisperer.

This is not to say that my trip was without adventure, oh no, there were catastrophes and unpredicted upsets galore! An allergic reaction to sea lice that resulted in a trip to the hospital and ingestion of a wide array of unlabeled medications for starters! My partner Daniel's head got attacked by a bird of paradise (whether the bird saw him as a potential competitor or a potential mate is still undecided). Then a jellyfish besieged his head underwater, but this was less of an attack and more of a mingling waltz with his hair. I was the victim of the vampire tendencies of Damsel Fish repeatedly! The name is quite deceiving - there's nothing helpless and vulnerable about these little reef fish. They stake out their patch and bite like piranhas until you can escape their evil clutches!

I also learned many things on this trip. My holiday was filled with educational activities, another departure from backpacking when my days were made up of languid lounging or languid floating(?) Whatever it was, it involved limited movement, and perhaps one task fulfilled by the end of the day - probably the purchase of shampoo or toothpaste. In contrast, my two weeks yielded great results. I am now a certified Open Water Scuba Diver! The process was really tough, I felt like I was in some kind of Navy Seal Academy. I had to complete a swim test, a theory test (an entire section of which focused on ways you can die while diving - one involves a lung moving up into your esophagus and another bubbles in your brain????!!!) and then do the actual submerging myself in water and sinking to the bottom part. Neutralizing buoyancy is a skill I am so happy to have acquired. It felt like levitating but controlling how high or low you were suspended in space through breathing in and out. All I can say is that it made me wish I was Buddha or an astronaut in a zero gravity rocket!

There are pluses and minuses to diving, a big drawback is the nitrogen you suck in along with all the lovely oxygen. The nitrogen is the part that can cause the brain bubbles, it also pretty much left me brain dead and sleepy as a dormouse every night. Some might see this as a plus, as do many who enjoy a state called 'nitrogen narcosis' which happens when you go down too quickly and it makes you feel drunk. Clearly this is not a good state to be in 18 meters under water where there are so many things that can kill you - like the WATER itself!! and big rocks, poisonous fish and shifting body organs - I think the clue is in the name narcosis.... Another minus is that it doesn't look like Finding Nemo on the sea bed. It's awesome and there are some beautiful soft corals, but it's nowhere near as colourful as the movie (because of the way light travels through water colours are lost the deeper you go) and there are some empty bits that look a bit like the desert. Lots of divers seem to love walls. They get really excited about SEA WALLS!! Walls in the sea are exactly the same as those on land except they travel down to the depths and have things that live in crevices and pop out to scare you - like lobster and puffer fish. This is not my bag. I don't want any surprises somewhere I have to wait 3 minutes at the same depth before swimming up. There can be no fast getaways! I like little anemone fish (like Nemo - the False Clown Fish) who are cute, petite, colourful and look like they live in a Vegas Showgirls dressing room surrounded by feather boas tickling them. And Sea Turtles!!! I LOVE Sea Turtles! Who also hang out around the anemones paddling about in search of snacks. They are the most stoned acting creatures ever to have evolved. It’s a wonder they have managed the complicated task of survival, although they do perform the great feat of eating their munchies suspended upside down. They are my neutralized buoyance heroes!

Whilst in Koh Phi Phi I also learned protocol for tsunami alerts, because there was one... It seems the best thing to do is to climb up to the highest possible point and then sit for 8 hours and eat a lot of bread and rice. All joking aside, there was an earthquake in Aceh, the same place that caused utter devastation on Phi Phi 7 years earlier. It was pretty terrifying watching the skyline and waiting. In a way it was a relief when it went dark. I was amazed by and so grateful to the Thai people, who were so calm, generous and organised in the face of a natural catastrophe ripping apart their lives a second time in less than a decade. A few of the resort guests who were up on top of the hill, had literally just hit shore as the alarm started. They had to drop everything and scramble up. I'm sad they didn't get their welcome drink and to watch The Dog Whisperer, but I'm happy we all lived.